Dear Julia:

Would you please comment on the spiritual nature of the "chemistry" of love? I have been single for over six years. I created a "man plan" that detailed the characteristics of a man I would like to meet for a long-term relationship, and then I met him - almost. He does not have blue eyes and is not a good housekeeper, but he has so much more to offer. He is very successful, intelligent and highly educated. He cares for his family members, brings me flowers, takes me to great places, dances, is a musician, makes wonderful plans for us - I could go on. He is always available for me. However, I am not attracted to this man at all and do not want him near me romantically. A friend thought he appeared nice but desperate, and I tend to agree. His energy feels so heavy and smothering. The moment I met him I liked him, but did not resonate with him romantically. He fits so much of my "list," so why is there no chemistry?
Catherine

Dear Catherine:

Ahh, love...it's one of my favorite topics! We can try to make sense of it, but when it comes right down to it, romantic love is often just plain illogical. While there are aspects of attraction related to survival of the species that can be scientifically explained, there is something deep, mysterious and uncontrollable at the heart of "true love."

Sometimes, that something is destiny. It could be that we are destined to reconnect with someone particular from a past life, someone we've planned to meet up with again. Let's assume, however, that the relationship sought is not predestined, that we must meet someone new to find fulfillment. (We have to meet "soul mates" sometime! The soul mate relationships we create this lifetime will become the lovers we are destined to meet up with again in future lifetimes.) So what determines who we are attracted to at a spiritual level?

First we have to remember that everything in the universe is energy, and every person has a unique auric vibration. Let's think of people like musical chords. There is a vast range of notes and chords possible. When we meet someone who shares our tone, we immediately like them and feel attracted to them. This is someone we'd find it easy to be friends with or to have in our family, for these relationships tend to be harmonious.

Most of us are vibrating at different tones in different areas of our lives. Perhaps when it comes to spirituality, we're on a certain note. When we meet others who share that tone in that same area of their lives, we call them "kindred spirits." In other areas of our lives, we may be on a different note. When we meet someone who shares our tone in many areas, we tend to welcome them as our new "best friends," or at least to like them a lot. We feel like they truly understand us, which is a wonderful feeling. The areas of our lives where we're playing discordant notes at one time or another are areas of conflict in relationships.

When it comes to romance, we don't really want someone who is just like us, because this is "boring." Sure, the "harmony" is there, but it's like having only a simple melody line when we want the whole rocking symphony: tuba and clarinet, bass and flute, oboe and percussion. It takes two people wanting to create the same sort of music for a relationship to be fulfilling, just as it takes a lot of common intention and focus for a symphony to produce beautiful music. If one person wants to "play Mozart" and the other wants to play rap music, disharmony erupts, and the whole thing falls apart.

Now, some of us like our music dark and edgy; some prefer light, gentle New Age melodies; still others are inspired by pounding military marches. If you think about all the various styles of music out there and the infinite songs it's possible to play, you get a sense of how different we all are, and why it's so "hard" to find "true love." What many people don't realize is that we don't have to find someone who is already playing "our song" - we just have to find someone who has the notes we're missing, who shares our taste, and who wants to put in the time and effort to make beautiful music with us.

Whether we do it consciously or not, when we long for love, we all have a "perfect mate" script running in our vibration. Most of us think we want to find someone who, like us, also plays the flute, trumpet and tuba, metaphorically speaking. Then when we find someone like this and start "playing" together, we feel like something is missing. The whole thing is just too simple, and we're soon bored. What we really need to look for, of course, is someone different from us who can round out our orchestra, someone who plays the saxophone, snare drum and yes, maybe even electric guitar. There is a great deal of metaphysical truth in the saying that "opposites attract!"

When we get together with someone who is not on the same note but who can harmonize with us, passion ignites. This is when the music seems to come alive. My sense is that you've manifested a man who is very much like you - so much so that he bores you.

The good news is if you can manifest this great but boring guy, you can manifest someone else too. You now know that you can make a list and manifest what you focus upon! Really think about this for a moment, for it's a marvelous and powerful truth. Now you just need to reach for something more exciting and passionate. Don't cling to this guy because you're afraid he's the last nice single guy on earth. There are wonderful people everywhere looking for someone to make beautiful music with. Your job now is to vividly imagine the FEELING of passion you're longing for, and to be open to compromising some of the details of your list so you can have that full symphonic experience. In other words, you must be open to accepting someone who is a bit different from you.

I'm not suggesting that you open yourself up to addicts or abusers! There is a difference between stretching our comfort zone and exposing ourselves to harm or danger. If you typically resist compromise or avoid conflict as many of us do, then you may have to change, for avoiding conflict is also avoiding passion. I'm sure some metaphysicians will disagree with me and say that you can have everything be perfectly passionate AND harmonious all the time if you only believe it's possible, but my own experience has taught me that you can't have a relationship that is fiery in the bedroom and perfectly serene everywhere else.

There is something else going on here as well, of course. This man's apparent "desperation" is like a note that is missing from a chord. He's not whole in and of himself, so even though he's playing the notes he has loud and strong, you can feel that he's missing something. People who are "desperate" may go overboard in "giving," but at a deep level, we sense that something is amiss. It's like they're playing two notes extra loud to make up for the one that's missing.

I feel obliged to warn you: a passionate relationship will probably push some big buttons for you - that's a sign of its power! The person who evokes the greatest passion in you will probably also evoke more anger and frustration than someone "boring" would. It will be someone you just can't understand sometimes because they're not just like you, but it will be worth it. To manifest passion, put "makes me feel totally alive" at the top of your "man plan," above details such as the color of his eyes or how he keeps house. If your energy is aligned properly, you'll manifest a relationship so intense that those little details won't matter to you any more!

- Julia