Dear Julia:

I read your column every week and try so hard to incorporate what I learn into my life. I am two years into an ugly divorce. I have been dating a good man for 18 months now, but I'm very interested in another man and can't let the first one go. I keep telling myself that I don't love him enough or I wouldn't want to see other men. Is that true? How do I know? I am going to lay it all out here to you, and simply pray for your assistance. Basically, I can't have a committed relationship because I don't feel that much love toward just one person. There are a few men I'd like to feel free to love. I feel so LOW as a person for having these feelings, but what is wrong with it really? Let me say that I am not a kid - I'm in my 40's. I am so confused. Please help me! - Linda

Dear Linda:

While your main question seems to be whether or not it's okay for you to reject monogamy across the board, there is another aspect of your situation we should keep in mind. I'm betting that your marriage/divorce has been one of the most painful experiences of your life, if not THE most painful. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if this is why you're turned off to the whole notion of settling down with one partner for life. Of course, going through hell in one marriage does not mean that marriage itself is fundamentally hellish. I'm just saying that what you're feeling right now is entirely normal and healthy, since you need time to heal and recover from this ordeal.

As for the morality of monogamy, an examination of nature should help us sort out customs that are unaffected from those that are socially constructed. Researchers have found that only three percent of animals demonstrate monogamous social behavior (meaning that they choose one mate for life), and it's now believed that even these species engage in sex with partners outside their pair bond. Unless you believe it's possible that every creature in nature is inherently wicked, this should reassure you that monogamy is by no stretch of the imagination natural.

Even if we focus entirely on human history, it becomes clear that monogamy is a product of patriarchy, and rooted in economic concerns. Basically, once people figured out that men father children and they settled down on homesteads and began to acquire wealth such as land, animals, money and other goods, it became important to ensure the paternity of the children who would inherit the family's wealth. You may be interested to note that monogamy is practically unheard of in matriarchal traditions, and in many times and places, polygamy and/or polyandry was the norm. (To connect with kindred spirits and explore more on the philosophy of free love, I recommend you search the web for the term polyamory.)

It's my understanding that monogamy isn't natural in the spiritual world either. First, we all have a number of soul mates, for a soul mate is simply someone we've loved very deeply in this life or another life. We also have no gender in Spirit, so there is no such thing as heterosexuality or homosexuality; on a soul-level, we're all-sexual. Since it's ridiculous to try to rank our soul mates in terms of importance, it would be impossible and pointless to choose just one to love for all eternity. Further, jealousy is rooted in unfounded fear that there is only so much love to go around, while free love acknowledges the truth that there is an infinite supply of love in the universe.

I think you'll find my very first conscious astral projection experience interesting. (It certainly surprised me!) Though this was in no way what I expected and not something I consciously chose to do, the first time I got out of my body I found myself swept up in a wave of erotic energy. It was like I was making love with a group of invisible entities; it was a blissful orgy of energy sex with beautiful souls.

While this was happening, I was in ecstasy, and it was only after I returned to my body and reflected on it that I felt rather shocked by the experience. I was married at the time and even wondered if somehow I was cheating on my husband. Since then, I've noticed that whenever I have a sexual encounter either in the astral or in a dream, there is never any guilt or shame involved. It's only when I wake up that my social conditioning kicks in and I'm tempted to evaluate what I've done in terms of right or wrong.

Based on decades of channeling spiritual guidance, I can also assure you that without fail and without exception, I have never heard Spirit condemn any choice or any lifestyle that doesn't hurt anyone else. From the perspective of Spirit, everything is okay. Even when our choices may in some way hurt another person in some way, it's clear that we can't truly harm anyone else on a spiritual level. So your preference for loving in a way that is open and free is just as valid as another person's preference for a monogamous relationship.

This does NOT mean we can ignore our own conscience. When we do something we feel is wrong, we go against the voice of Spirit within us. Even then we won't be damned to hell, however - we'll just have to learn the hard way. The whole point is to listen to our conscience, which requires us to question what we've been taught as you are doing.

A huge part of growing in spiritual consciousness involves learning to honor the truth in our own hearts above all. This is at the heart of the split between religion and spirituality. To achieve it, we must exercise intelligence and open-mindedness in questioning everything, and possess the self-love and self-trust to reject anything that doesn't resonate with our own inner knowing. In this way, we develop our own personal belief system.

As people evolve spiritually, they naturally shed beliefs that are judgmental and divisive in favor of openness, tolerance and acceptance. They adopt the motto of live and let live, and drop the need to view people, beliefs and behaviors in simple terms of right or wrong. They become more sophisticated and tolerant in their thinking.

I truly believe that all of our feelings exist for a good reason. Sometimes we have a strong desire that runs counter to the customs of our culture because we've hit upon a higher truth. Other times it's because we're meant to find the courage and the self-love to be true to ourselves whether it's easy and popular or not. That is a very big spiritual lesson. Regardless of the specific way we choose go about it, we are all learning to love our true selves and love others' true selves as well. We do this by honoring our real feelings and by accepting others for who they really are.

Instead of trying hard to follow my spiritual advice or anyone else's, just be yourself. Then you'll not only find the fulfillment you long for in relationships, you'll make it easier for everyone in your life to love themselves too. We need our artists, social revolutionaries, radicals and free spirits to inspire us to question authority in all its forms; otherwise we'll just end up going through the motions of various socially prescribed roles. Whether you remain non-monogamous or you decide to pour all your sexual passion into one lover again someday, I encourage you to honor your own divine nature by trusting the truth you find in your heart.

- Julia