Dear Julia:
I have been on a conscious journey of spiritual awakening for about a year and a half now, and my health and my relationships seem to be falling apart. My husband and I have grown more and more distant from each other. He doesn't believe in anything psychic, and has no interest in spiritual matters. In fact, he seems resistant to even listening to my experiences. Also, while I've always been very healthy, I've had a number of minor health issues come up one after another. First I had kidney stones, then a series of sinus infections, then this rash that I still can't seem to get rid of. Even though I feel compelled to continue my spiritual journey, and it really feels right to me, I'm wondering if all these problems are signs that I'm going in the wrong direction. What do you think?
Rene
Dear Rene:
Sometimes we awaken because everything falls apart. Someone we love dies, or we experience a health crisis ourselves, or go through a divorce or some other profound loss, and suddenly we just "wake up" and start to wonder about the meaning and purpose of it all. Other times, as in your case, we start to awaken first, and begin to see that so much that we cling to and identify with in life is temporal or steeped in illusion. It's natural for everything old to fall apart when one begins a new journey, for as WE change profoundly, our lives change profoundly. When we resist these changes, we experience discomfort such as health problems, depression, conflict, stress, etc.
It's like we've been adding layer after layer of heavy clothing since we were born, and then one day, they start to just fall off. We don't need them anymore, but we're still afraid to be standing there naked, exposed to the elements, to the perceived dangers of the unknown. These garments are the conditioned beliefs and old wounds that must be shed if our true inner nature is to shine through brighter than ever before.
While we shed this baggage, it is very difficult to avoid taking on a whole new set in the form of "shoulds," for every spiritual path is steeped in judgements about how we "should" live and what we "should" and "should not" do, think, feel, say, want, etc. For example, as we embrace this new conscious spiritual path, we tell ourselves that if we're on the right track, we "should" feel great, be healthy, enjoy perfectly happy relationships, be endlessly patient, know all the answers, always do the "right thing," etc. All these shoulds create a lot of inner tension. Endlessly striving for spiritual perfection can become exhausting, stressful and draining, and actually create new problems.
As we begin to awaken, many of us simply go too far, too fast for comfort. There is much wisdom in the adage that we should (there's that word again) "live in the world, but not of it." Most people are living "of the world." They are stuck in illusions. They don't think beyond the values of the mass culture. This means that they want money, beauty, power, fame, sensual pleasure, etc., and they don't even know why they want it. They think it will make them happy, but this is not really something that is consciously thought out.
When we awaken, we often stop living "of the world," but we are no longer really "in the world," either. We're walking around in this dreamy state, perhaps seeing auras and sending light and love to everything we encounter. This is wonderful and blissful. However, a chasm begins to grow between our spiritual body and our physical body because we have lost touch with some parts of ourselves and stopped living "in the world." This creates discomfort and dis-ease.
You might be wondering how in the world you can NOT live in the world. Well, if you're constantly operating at a spiritual level (perceiving energy, seeking the higher truth above and behind everything), you can forget to see and deal with what is concrete and real in the physical. It's then too easy to run away with idealistic philosophies and utopian visions. For example, in order to conquer their egos and overcome their fears, some people adopt the belief that there is nothing to worry about or "do" in life at all. This is not dealing with fear, it's denying its existence. It's like taking care of your bills by burning them in the fireplace. They seem to be gone, but are they really?
Whatever you fear, ignore or resist will hold you back and down like a stone you're carrying in your heart. Those fears and old emotional wounds must rise to the surface and be cleared. That is what is happening to you now. Your energy is rising. The energy of your marriage is of an older, lower vibration, and thus it is no longer comfortable. It is perhaps sad or perhaps incredibly freeing, but either way, it's true: as you grow, what can not grow with you must be shed. Hanging on to a relationship you've outgrown will indeed bring discomfort.
These health issues are also symptoms of your transition to a higher vibration. Old energies are rising to the surface to be cleared. The types of things you're experiencing are wonderfully symbolic of this. The kidney stones are like those stones in your heart, the old beliefs you've been carrying around that are now passing out of you. Drink lots of water. Exercise. Relax and let them go. The rash is old anger, irritation and repression that has been buried beneath the surface rising up and out, escaping. Relax and let it go.
The sinus infections are classic. I myself suffered from horrible, chronic sinus infections for about a year and a half while I was going through an intense period of awakening. All that muck coming out of your nose is old sorrows and "shoulds" being released. If you're going around and around in your head, wondering what you "should" do, you'll stay in that energy. When you stop asking yourself what you "should" do and instead honor what your heart and spirit really want to do, you'll let that energy go and free yourself to move forward.
There is a very fine line to be walked here. It is somewhere between the Buddhist philosophy of letting go and the metaphysical philosophy of manifesting via the will. On one hand, we find peace when can let go of grasping and surrender the results. On the other hand, we find passion and happiness by manifesting our desires. To me, finding a fine balance between the two is what is meant by "living in the world, but not of it." It means that I honor whatever comes to me as a teacher and a blessing, but I also honor the truth in my heart that yearns for some greater knowledge or experience by allowing myself to pursue it.
Keep following this wonderful spiritual path, but at the same time, don't resist whatever comes to you, whether you think you "should" be experiencing it or not. Find a way to study life and to observe yourself studying. If you suffer, observe yourself suffering. It sounds like you are already doing this, for you are separating yourself from your experiences enough to ask, "Am I heading in a wrong direction? Am I deluded?" My dear, this asking is all you need to do for now.
A conscious spiritual journey is about finding a way to be at peace with imperfection, not attaining perfection in every aspect of your life. You're growing, healing and changing at a rapid pace. Your discomfort is born of resistance to this process, of thinking it or you "should" be different. The more you can relax and trust, the more comfortable and at peace you'll feel in your body, heart, mind and spirit. Surrender, and soon you'll feel better than new.
- Julia