Determining When to Pursue Divorce
by
Julia Melges-Brenner. Copyright Sabrina Scott, Inc. All rights
reserved. Written for and originally published in Kajama.
Dear
Julia:
I get so much from reading
your articles and inspirational messages; thank you for your work. I am
currently struggling to understand how to deal with an unhappy
marriage. Divorce is not something I want, especially since we have two
young girls, but after 10 years of hoping things will improve, I'm
feeling worn out by our negative interactions. When or how does one
know that divorce would be better than continuing to stay together?
Thank you!
Melinda
Dear Melinda:
I'm assuming that you've tried counseling and done everything else you
can think of to make things work, in which case, I do understand what
you're going through. The decision to divorce my first husband was the
hardest I've ever made in my life. I spent more than a year going
around in my head, trying to figure out a way to make things better.
Meanwhile, I was miserable and chronically ill with horrible sinus
infections. When I finally found the self-love and courage to leave, it
was because I felt like staying was literally killing me. While I
respect myself for taking my vows so seriously, I now feel that I made
this all harder on myself than it had to be. At the time, I didn't
realize that not every marriage is meant to last forever. Let me
explain.
Somehow, I knew upon meeting my first husband that we would get
married, and before I married him, I also sensed that we would divorce.
Years before, on the night I met him for the first time, I told my
girlfriends that I'd just met the man I was going to marry. They said,
"We thought you never wanted to get married!" I replied, "So did I!"
When we did marry, I was pregnant with my son and the main reason we
tied the knot was in order for me to get health insurance. Just before
I walked down the aisle, I felt really nervous, and then a knowing came
over me that there was nothing to get so worked up about because this
wasn't going to be forever. This realization sent me reeling even more
because that is a terrible thing to "know" when you're about to take
sacred vows!
A decade later when the marriage was starting to unravel, I didn't know
what to do. I was driving in the car one day, praying my heart out
asking for guidance, when suddenly I heard a bold voice in my head.
This voice told me that within five years, I would no longer be living
in the same house or even the same town. I was told that I would no
longer be married to my husband, and then I was given the impression
that I would be living with someone else a short distance to the
northwest of where I was at the time. I also had the impression that
this man had children of his own. Of course, this is exactly what
happened.
I believe I was destined to get married, destined to get divorced, and
destined to get married again. Though I felt horribly guilty at the
time for bailing out, I can now see that the deeper spiritual lesson I
was working on involved finding the courage to face my true feelings,
the self-love to honor my needs, and the faith to trust that if I did
those things, everything would work out okay. (I'm happy to say that it
worked out great for me and for my kids. My sinuses also cleared up the
day I moved out and I never had another infection again.)
I've told you this whole story to convey the truth that, though we may
make vows designed to last forever, often those vows run counter to a
higher plan. When it comes to whether or not to divorce, there is no
right or wrong answer across the board: you have to listen to your own
heart. In fact, if what we need to learn is to honor the truth in our
own hearts, being stuck in a miserable marriage is an ideal classroom.
Because divorce involves the breaking of sacred vows and it affects
other people we love in life-changing ways, we have a whole lot of
<q>shoulds</q> to work through before we can find the
wisdom, courage and self-love to trust our own truth.
Following are a few ideas that may help you find clarity.
First, it doesn't do anyone any good when two people are miserable and
are staying together just because they made a decision to do so in the
past. As we are always changing as individuals, relationships are ever
changing as well. Sometimes people change so much that it's impossible
for them to be true to who they are and still relate well to each other.
If you are staying together "for the sake of the children," ask
yourself if you would have them do the same thing someday, for that is
what you're teaching them. If we really want our children to find
happiness, we must show them how to do that. When we push ourselves to
remain in a miserable relationship, we are teaching our children to do
the same.
Finally, there is something of an acid test that worked to set me free
and has worked well for those I've counseled over the years. When I
realized that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to
remain in the marriage, I knew it was time to move on. If you feel the
same way, then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. People
who leave marriages because they want to find someone somehow better
than their current spouse may or may not succeed, but people who decide
they would be happier on their own never regret moving on. Further,
because they are leaving for sound reasons, these are the very people
who tend to find greater love and happiness.
There are a couple of things you can do to make this all easier on
yourself. To determine your own truth, I recommend you seek deep trance
work/hypnotherapy in order to dialogue with your higher self and
determine not only what you should do now but also what your destiny or
soul plan was for this lifetime. Through life-between-life soul work,
you can discover the lessons you are working on as well as your
original plan for this relationship.
If you then decide to leave this marriage, it may help you find peace
if you formally rescind those old wedding vows; otherwise this failed
marriage could haunt you both in this life and future lives. To
formally break old vows, I recommend you conduct a special ritual.
There are lots of ways to imbue rituals with energy. For example, you
might take a bath, put on some spiritual music, and light some candles.
Sit in meditation for a little while, pondering the changes ahead of
you and asking Spirit to bless you at this time of transition.
Then state out loud and with great focus and energy:
Universe, in the past, I made a
sacred vow to spend my life with ______ (name of husband) until death
parted us. This relationship blessed me in many ways, and for all that
I learned and gained, such as ______, I give thanks. I now know that
this marriage no longer serves me, and so it is with self-love, courage
and gratitude that I release this old vow from all levels and aspects
of my being. Please help everyone involved to find peace and healing.
Please especially help ______(name of husband) to find new love, peace
and joy. I am now free of this vow and ask you to help me sail forward
to new love and happiness.
It is important to really feel what you are doing with this ritual and
to ask Spirit to support you in making this decision and bless you on
your journey forward. Then blow out the candles and go on with your
life with faith that in honoring the truth in your heart, you are
naturally launching a wonderful new chapter of your life.
-
Julia
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