Dear Julia:

I have a friend who had a very special relationship with her mother. She lived with her all her life, except for a six-week period when she first married about 25 years ago. Her husband had a special relationship with her also. Julie is finding it VERY difficult to recover from her mother's death about eight months ago. She has had few if any special friends, as her mother filled that role in her life. Her grief is palpable, and I would LOVE to help, but don't know what to say. She isn't into metaphysics, and probably thinks I'm a little strange. It would be wonderful if her mother could come to her in a dream or vision, but this hasn't happened as I hoped it would. She shuts herself away and cries for hours on end. She has had counseling, but it hasn't helped much. She feels terrible that she cries so much, and it doesn't seem to matter when I tell her it's fine if she just wants to sit and cry. I'm willing to sit and just be there for her, but she hasn't asked for any help that way. I just wish I could help her, or wave some magic wand so that she could see that death isn't the end.

Thank you!
Beverly

Dear Beverly:

First I want to reassure you that you are already helping your friend. Not only are you clearly showing her love and concern, but you're demonstrating the personal strength to acknowledge and honor her grieving process. You're allowing her to be deeply sad, to not get over this traumatic loss right away. This is a mark of a true and wise friend indeed.

When I was in high school, I suffered the death of a soul mate. Todd and I had experienced instant recognition when we'd met, and after two years of going steady, were determined to marry someday. Unfortunately, he died very suddenly at the age of 18. Up until that time, I had been a very cheerful, happy and popular girl. I was a cheerleader, and my best friends were naturally cheerleaders too. I will never forget the day I walked into the locker room about six weeks after Todd had died, and overheard my friends complaining to each other about how I was "no fun anymore." I felt like I'd been socked in the gut. Needless to say, I quickly realized that these were not true friends at all, but I also realized that they were too young to understand. Experiencing this loss had aged me overnight...I couldn't expect teenagers to be compassionate and empathetic about my grieving process.

Unfortunately, even many adults do not know what to do when someone they care about is grieving. Out of their own discomfort or fear of death, they may avoid that grieving person at a time when their friend needs more love and support than ever, or they may avoid talking about the grieving process because they think it will help that person get over it faster. You are wonderful to seek a way to help! Simply by caring enough to try, you are helping your friend more than you know. The thing she needs the most is to know that it is okay for her to be sad, to not act like "herself," and to have a hard time with this. You have already given her all of that.

Beyond this, you must keep in mind that you can't really do any of the grieving work for her. It sounds to me like she was too emotionally dependent on her mom, and that is why she is having such a hard time now. It can't be emotionally or psychologically healthy to not have any close friends because one is so focused on a parent. (Look at the results.) Your friend's perspective on life is in the process of tremendous transformation. Her relationship with "God" (however she defines that for herself) is shifting, and that relationship is profoundly personal. Most people never really give a lot of thought to their spiritual beliefs about the nature of life and death until they experience a tremendous loss such as the death of someone very near and dear to them. While I'm not suggesting that such deaths are designed as blessings for the survivors, there are still gifts here. She is being led to seek new answers and understanding. Her own spiritual growth is in the process of great acceleration. You can be there to support and encourage her as she walks through this, but it's best if she finds her own way, even if this means she feels "lost" for a while.

I recommend that you simply keep affirming for her that you love her and care about her, and are there to help her in every way you can. Don't avoid the subject of her mother or anything related to her grieving process out of a desire to "not upset her." While I don't feel you would, many folks do this with very good intentions. When we try to pull someone's mind away from their grieving process, instead of helping, that person just ends up dealing with their intense feelings when they're alone. You might regularly ask her, "How are you doing these days? How are you feeling?" Spirit is popping in here and suggesting that it may be especially helpful for you to talk with her or allow her to process her feelings while MOVING. If you can go for a walk with her a few times a week and let her just talk while she's walking, that movement will actually facilitate healing, as it will get the grief energy up and flowing to be released as she moves.

As you're walking and talking, when you feel nudged by Spirit to do so, just ask her if she would be interested in reading about what others have done to heal from grief, or what top researchers into death and dying have discovered. If she's closed to the idea, gently let it go with trust that she will come around in her own time. If she's open to it, however, I recommend you start with the work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, for she is widely accepted and respected in the mainstream, and yet her beliefs about the afterlife are in harmony with metaphysical perspectives. A good book to start with is On Life After Death. Interestingly, I went to amazon.com to confirm that title for you, and found the following recommendation for this book: "A friend gave me this book to read after my mom passed away. I must say that reading this book opened my eyes and made me look at life quite differently...I definitely recommend this book."

If her reaction to this book is positive (and I feel it will be), you can suggest some others that may be a bit more overtly metaphysical. She may want to explore some of Dr. Kubler-Ross's other works, but you can also suggest she read books by Joel Martin or by Dr. Raymond Moody, who wrote Life After Loss. Dr. Moody also wrote a book on his fascinating research into spirit communication, entitled Reunions: Visionary Encounters with Departed Loved Ones. If she is touched by this reading and opens up to the truths in these books, then the next steps should come naturally. You could take her to a gifted medium, for example, or if she's still really struggling, even explore the option of working with Dr. Moody's techniques for healing from grief, which involve communicating with departed loved ones personally. (See the "Reunions" book listed above for more information on this). An energy healer may also help her to release her sorrow and to allow brighter energy in.

Pray for her by simply visualizing her happy and at peace, but know when to let it go, too. Don't take this emotional burden upon yourself, for you won't be able to give her an emotional hand up if you're both down. Just keep loving her and supporting her and trusting that Spirit will guide her to new peace. It will be enough!

- Julia