Dear Julia:

My question is how we can get along with people who don't want to get along with us. While I have been able to use the law off attraction to transform many negative people/situations into positive ones over the years, I think I've met my match in my husband's ex-wife, who seems to be determined to NOT get along. When I first met her about three years ago, I assumed we would be friends, but she has been nasty from the start. I have tried over and over again to send her love, extend my friendship, encourage my husband to cooperate with her and respect her, but she never gives back what she gets. When I tell him we have to look for the God in her to transform this situation, he tells me that I am naive, and that we're dealing with the devil herself here! At first I thought he was just bitter, but I'm starting to think he is right, since she does things that hurt their kids just so she can try to hurt him. Their children are a mess as she constantly badmouths my husband and me and refuses to cooperate with us for their sake. I think if he told her one of the kids was bleeding to death, she'd rather let the kid bleed than acknowledge that he is right. I know she is just jealous of our happiness and afraid of losing some of her children's love, time or attention. When I send her loving, understanding energy she may soften for a while, but then out of the blue she'll get nasty again. What am I doing wrong? Are there some people we just can't create harmony with, no matter how aligned we are with peace and happiness?
- Jen

Dear Jen:

I can so relate to your situation, as it is almost identical to what I went through with my husband's ex. Nothing brings out the devil in people like divorce. I have been astounded by the ugly behavior I've observed in people dealing with divorce issues. Of course, we all have to deal with difficult people sometimes, so let's study the metaphysical lessons in your situation.

First we must remember that anyone who is resisting love and harmony is stuck in the pain and fear of ego. Jealousy, bitterness, anger, revenge, self-pity, blame, etc., are all symptoms of ego. You astutely recognize this; that is why you are sending her love and compassion. While that is kind of you and good for your own soul, you're wasting your time and energy if your goal is to affect her, because she doesn't really want positive change.

As many spiritual teachers have taught, we have to "work with the willing." If someone is stuck in ego, you can perhaps reach them now and then with a lot of concentrated metaphysical effort, but if you're fundamentally living at different vibrations, it's like trying to mix oil and water. If you stir like crazy things may seem to blend for a moment, but as soon as you focus elsewhere, they start coming apart again.

I worked long and hard trying to create harmony with my husband's ex. At first I did this just because it's what I do: I always reach for love and harmony. When it was undeniably clear that his ex was not a match to this vibration, I got "worried" about the kids and all the drama and upset they were constantly subjected to, and this is when things got REALLY ugly. You see, in "worrying" I didn't make things better, I just I added my own fuel to the fire.

As soon as I would realize I was "doing it again" by worrying, I would shift gears and focus my thoughts on what was wanted instead. I had a lot of "breakthroughs" when it looked like love and harmony were going to prevail, but then it would all fall apart again the next time she didn't feel like cooperating. I spent years of my life metaphysically toiling to transform this situation. It has been my greatest metaphysical challenge to date, and eventually I just gave up. The many years (lifetimes?) of accumulated bitterness and hostility in this relationship are more than I want to deal with.

The only thing you're doing "wrong" here is focusing on and trying to fix a "problem" that is beyond the scope of your power and responsibility. If we pray for peace in the Middle East, and yet strife continues there, are we doing something wrong? If we can't truly affect what happens there, then obsessing about it and "needing" it to be different will make us miserable.

While we can create what we want in our own lives, we can't make other specific people be the way we want them to be. Sometimes we can "bring out the best in them," but this often turns into a tug of war where we strain to get them to rise up and reach for peace, while at the same time we struggle against succumbing to negative emotion ourselves when they aren't "nice back."

When I finally let go of trying to change the ex and focused on BEING the happiness and harmony I wanted in my life, she still didn't change, but she did fall out of my experience. I had to first stop talking to her completely. Then after a little while, I stopped even thinking about her. While my husband deals with her now and then (much less than before when I kept urging him to try to get along), I just focus on what I want in general.

As soon as I made this shift, my life was just as peaceful, harmonious and happy as I'd wanted it to be all along. In fact, all kinds of things began to shift and change in wonderful ways as I let go of struggle and simply embraced peace. As my resistance to things NOT working out the way I wanted was keeping me stuck, when I "gave up," I got my life back. I got ME back. I got all that energy and time back to devote to new creations, and then wonderful new friends, opportunities and spiritual experiences started rolling in like crazy.

I know it's really hard to let go when there are children involved, especially when a better way is so obvious to you, but we have to make peace with the things we cannot change. If someone is stuck in ego, they will not be able to really hear you if you are promoting love, peace and understanding. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but nothing is going to get through until they're ready.

To be most helpful, just maintain your own high vibration. This situation has been weighing you down with worry, which won't do anyone any good. Be a spiritual role model for everyone by aligning with well-being regardless of what anyone else chooses to do. Keep encouraging your loved ones to let go, forgive, and focus on what they want in life. It may not seem "fair" that your kindness isn't returned to you, but if you look at each individual's level of happiness, you'll see that everyone is getting back from the Universe just what they are sending out. You can only really control your own behavior anyway.

I recently heard a Buddhist monk explain how he "forgives" people who are hurtful, and he said that to forgive, first you have to see someone as guilty, and he doesn't see anyone as guilty. Instead, he says everyone is just doing what they want to do. People who are difficult LIKE being that way. Who are we to take away their joy? Let them live with constant problems and upsets. If you happen to observe it, just give thanks that you and your life are different, and go on your way.

To start to shift gears about this, look at it this way: the Universe is communicating very clearly that this woman is not a match to your sweet love and harmony, and thus "undeserving" of your generous friendship. She is unable to get past her own ego issues in order to be a truly loving person, so why do you want her as a friend anyway? Forget about her and re-center in your own highest self, and she will naturally fall out of your reality. While she will probably remain to some degree in your husband's experience, you can't fix that for him, but you can be a shining light of peace and love for him and his kids to come home to.

- Julia