Dear Julia:
My daughter-in-law is so caught up in her born again Christian beliefs that I think it's toxic. She was raised in what was basically a cult, and now she's bringing up my grandchildren to believe just as she believes. I, on the other hand, am a professional psychic, and as you can imagine, my spiritual beliefs are much "lighter" than hers. I've struggled for years to try to get through to her, but she's blind to her own issues because she has been brainwashed since childhood. I worry about her and my grandkids. What should I do? This has been bothering me for years now.
P.
Dear P.:
Well, this is a new twist on a more common question. It's usually the born again Christians who feel compelled to convert us evil "New Agers" to their beliefs.
First I want to acknowledge that having loved ones involved in a truly dangerous cult is a serious matter. If someone you love is caught up in a situation where you believe their safety is in jeopardy or they are being exploited for financial, sexual or other reasons, I recommend you begin researching the resources available to you at the American Family Foundation. This organization is well-respected and offers a host of information about cults. Please note that some "anti-cult" organizations are practically cults themselves, and make sure you do some research before leaping in.
It certainly doesn't sound like the situation you're dealing with is life-threatening or physically harmful, however. Defining what is and is not a cult can be a tricky matter. Some people might say that one only has a true cult when individuals are isolated from the rest of society, are prevented from leaving and are exploited in some way. Others could argue that any time an organization routinely rejects or penalizes members for questioning the teachings or values of the group as a whole, then a cult-like atmosphere exists.
If this is how we define cult, then few of us have not been in a "cult" at some point in our lives. Heck, the Boy Scouts of America could be called a cult under that definition. My husband often refers to my martial arts school as a cult, because most students develop such an unwavering devotion to our stated values and the discipline of training that we appear obsessive to outsiders. I hardly believe my children and I need to be rescued, however, and in fact, like many other "cult" members, would argue that anyone who tried to rescue us would be better served by joining us. Basically, one person's true path is often another person's cult. In fact, I'm confident that in the days of Jesus, His followers would have been said to be "in a cult" if that term were in usage then.
In terms of spiritual beliefs, those of us who are best classified as "New Age" are at one end of the spectrum, while fundamentalists are at the other. "New Age" folks are generally individualists: they like to question, explore and forge their own paths. Fundamentalists, on the other hand, are taught NOT to question and to blindly follow "the rules" lest they go to hell. While all organized religions expect their members to conform to their beliefs and practices, religions that are adament about their way being the ONLY way tend to appear cult-like. Being different doesn't necessarily mean those paths are harmful, however.
An example of a "cult" that could be viewed as positive is a monastery or convent. It requires its members to renounce all worldly possessions, to live an austere life with little contact with the outside world, and to devote their entire lives to God's work. This certainly sounds like a cult, but because this is a time-honored tradition, we tend to view Catholic monks as saintly instead of deluded. So far as I know, no one is going in to rescue and deprogram monks and nuns!
If your daughter-in-law is trying to push her beliefs onto YOU, then you have every right to resist and stand up for yourself. We have a right to believe as we believe, to worship as we see fit, and to have our own personal relationship with God. This is also true for everyone else, of course. If your daughter-in-law wants to worship Santa Claus and make pilgrimages to the North Pole, that's her prerogative. It may drive you crazy, but I'm betting that your "New Age" beliefs cause her just as much consternation.
Probably the worst thing happening with your loved ones is that they are being discouraged from thinking for themselves. Your use of the words cult and brainwashing suggest that it is this inability to question their beliefs that bothers you the most. This blind acceptance of religious beliefs is nothing new or unusual; it happens throughout the world in every culture. In fact, you are in the minority in your ability to truly question and think for yourself, for that is something that comes later in our spiritual evolution. This may sound harsh, but only a small minority are shepherds; most are sheep. You can try to convince folks to become shepherds because you love them, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen before they're ready.
I believe that whether we intervene in a "cult" situation or not entirely depends upon the well-being of the people involved. If a group believes in killing its members, we usually send in the troups. If it believes in beating its members into submission, most of us would agree that something should be done. So what about parents who choose to spank their kids? Should we take them all? If we take kids away from groups who refuse to get them medical attention because it runs against their beliefs, then what do we do with kids of parents who refuse to vaccinate because they believe the shots are toxic? Where do we draw the line?
It's hard to wade through this grey moral area; as your grandchildren are involved, my heart does go out to you. I understand why you feel you must DO something, and I encourage you to always listen to your heart and honor your impulses to take inspired action. My own grandmother regularly took my hippie parents to task when I was little for not bathing me, feeding me enough vegetables or supervising the brushing of my teeth. She couldn't force them to change their ways at our house, however, because they weren't breaking any laws. When I was with her, she tried hard to make up for their "incompetence," and now and then when her dander was up, she lectured us all passionately about how we "should be raised." While my parents didn't change, I did hear her, and as I grew up I became more and more like her myself.
If your loved ones are happy and healthy but a bit brainwashed or deluded, then you can really only try to be a corrective influence. Otherwise, they may alienate you in self-defense. The worst thing that could happen to your grandkids would probably be to lose YOU! They need you to help them maintain a sane orientation to life. Keep giving them sensible feedback and encouraging them to think for themselves. Be a shining example of your highest beliefs, and they'll naturally grow to want to emulate you and to share your wisdom.
The more we can love and respect folks as they are, the more they'll love and respect us as WE are. This, to me, is so much more important than exactly what everyone believes. You might try listening to some Abraham tapes if you're having a hard time "allowing." They should help you to focus on the good here, such as the fact that at least your grandchildren are being raised with some sense of moral values.
The world is fully of beautiful, interesting people, all on their own unique paths. Some of them are truly strange. Some are even scary. I'm particularly fond of the quirky but nice ones. They make life interesting.
- Julia