Dear Julia:

Do loved ones in Spirit retain all their personality issues? For example, if someone was a controlling know-it-all while living, will they be like that when they come through from Spirit? Will a parent continue to disapprove of certain choices a child may make? I'm a deeply spiritual gay man, but my father never knew of my sexual orientation while living, because he was homophobic. He passed away a couple of years ago, and I've been sort of nervous ever since that he would "find out" and disapprove.
- Sean

Dear Sean:

Thanks for this great question. First, it's important for us all to remember that spirits are not a different species. We are all spirits ourselves, we're simply temporarily incarnate in physical bodies in this dimension. Just as we are learning and growing here in Earth school, spirits continue to learn and grow in the dimensions beyond.

Many of us assume that spirits are "higher" on the spiritual chain than human beings are, and so we expect them to have more power and wisdom than we do. In truth, we are all of the same divine source and created equally. While spirits may have more of a "bird's eye view" of our dimension since they have gotten distance from it, they are not instantly enlightened upon crossing over.

I feel that we have perhaps assumed that spirits become "perfect" after death because the communication we do receive from beyond tends to come from spirit guides and angels who are highly evolved beings devoted to helping humankind, or from those who have crossed into Spirit who were already highly spiritually evolved. It is the relatively spiritually evolved people here on Earth who develop the ability to consciously communicate with spirits, and similarly, it is the highly evolved spirits in the beyond who figure out how to communicate inter-dimensionally as well.

Mediums will also usually only open to the highest and the best from Spirit, so we're hearing from a select bunch. If you think about it, those of a lower nature also interact with humankind. We call them ghosts, poltergeists, demons, etc. Everyone in between can also connect inter-dimensionally. To a medium, however, the goal of spirit communication is to facilitate healing of some kind, so he or she will set an intention of allowing through only messages that are healing, loving, and helpful. This intention produces "results" that lead us to believe that all spirits are angelic in nature.

This is not to say that spirits aren't changed by death, but we can't predict how someone will be changed by death any more than we can predict how someone will be changed by any other earth shaking, profound experience. Often those who were most open-minded while living will open most to the new light and perspective available in the afterlife, but sometimes those who were most stubborn will surprise us. People are so endlessly interesting, after all. They're always doing things we don't expect them to do. Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone you knew a while ago, and finding them very changed? They may have totally transformed their lives, their careers, even their bodies. Well, people continue to change and surprise us like this after they leave this plane.

The things that change most readily of course involve material concerns. Assuming there is no true addiction involved, if someone is hung up on money and material possessions, they will forget all about those things once in the non-physical, unless they use them to identify themselves to loved ones, or unless there is some dispute about dividing their property that is causing conflict within a family, for example. In that case, however, their interest lies with the happiness and well-being of their loved ones, not the "stuff."

We should also remember that many spirits come through with their personalities on display because this is a great way to identify them. In other words, they may show themselves to the medium as their loved ones knew them to be, so that they are recognized. Some time ago I brought through a man from Spirit for a young Christian missionary who was exploring the Spiritualist church. I told him that I had an older man named "Ed" who was like a grandfather to him, but was not related. Ed was telling this young man, "It's great that you're going through new doorways and exploring new things; just make sure that your mind is open as you walk through those doorways."

When the young man made it clear that he believes that living like Jesus did is not enough for someone to go to heaven, that anyone who does not proclaim that Jesus Christ is his one and only savior will go to hell, I reminded him of the message that Ed had brought through. The young man then said, "Ed was an icon in our church, and believed just as I believe. He would never have said that." When I suggested that Ed had attained a new perspective, and was trying to prevent this young man from following him down the wrong path, he couldn't accept it, because Ed's "personality" or beliefs were too changed by death for him to identify him as the same person.

I have never had any spirit come through and urge anyone to follow a particular religion. I've never heard anything resembling the idea that there is only one path to God from anyone on the other side. This could be, however, because those who cling to those beliefs are so blinded by their own issues that they are unable to communicate inter-dimensionally, or perhaps wouldn't want to anyway. Spirit tells me, however, that the reason we never hear this is because this is an idea that is unique to planet Earth, and has no basis in universal spiritual truth.

The best way I can explain how death may or may not change us is to compare it to a long journey. If you meet up with someone after they've traveled all around the world, it's likely they'll be changed. Some will seem like whole new people. They'll be wiser, more sophisticated, and more open to new ideas. Similarly, imagine a parent in Spirit who was plucked away from a son or daughter whom they've not been able to talk to or connect with for a very long time, and now they have a few minutes to talk to them via a medium. No one knows for sure how long; this is an experiment that suddenly proves successful. That parent will not focus on the kid's grades in school, choice of friends, and all the other little things kids do that worry their parents silly. They will tell them they love them and want them to stop grieving and be happy. This is why spirits generally come through with messages of love and reassurance that they are fine and wish us only the very best.

I want you to know that I have read for a number of gay men and women over the years who shared your worries, or other folks who had rocky relationships with their parents when their parents were living. In every case, the parent has wanted very much to apologize to their child for not accepting them as they were. They recognized the problem was their own - not their child's - and above all, they wanted their child to forgive them for any pain they had caused them, and to feel okay about themselves so they could be truly happy in life. This goes for all the decisions kids make that could cause a parent to "disown" them. The only things about life on Earth that seem to matter to those who have departed this world are the happiness and well-being of their loved ones who remain here.

- Julia