Dear Julia:

I have had sleep paralysis my whole life but have experienced it more often since my ex-boyfriend was murdered. The night of his wake, I fell into sleep paralysis at his parents' house. I heard a group of people talking on his patio, and I felt like he was there but I couldn't see anyone. I am now dating a new guy. I slept over at his house the other night, and I awoke in that scary mode and knew someone was there. I saw a dark image come through the door and walk over to the bed. It seemed to be my ex! I wasn't scared of him but I was scared of the state I was in. I was hearing a lot of loud static, and I wasn't comfortable with being paralyzed. When I broke free of paralysis, I woke up my new boyfriend and told him what had happened. He freaked out because he remembered a dream he'd had the previous night. In the dream, he awakened to see my ex standing over the bed, looking at me. He looked okay - not bad or evil. He just glanced at him then returned his focus to me. I showed him a picture of my ex and he confirmed that he is who he saw in his dream. I don't know what to make of all this. Is my ex trying to tell me something? Am I seeing an image of him but it's really the devil? Please help me because I am very concerned.
Amy

Dear Amy:

First let's address your concern that this could be some evil being who is pretending to be your ex-boyfriend. I can assure you that if this were the case, you would sense it. The fact that both you and your boyfriend felt no sense of malice or danger from this spirit indicates that he is not ill-intentioned. Further, I think the fact that your new boyfriend dreamed of your ex visiting and confirmed via the picture that this is who he saw is evidence that the identity of this spirit is indeed your ex.

Sleep paralysis can be terrifying but I've never heard of any physical harm coming to someone in that state. The loud static you heard is entirely normal when you're experiencing sleep paralysis. My sense is that this is something like the static we hear when the stereo is tuned in between stations, only in this scenario, we're tuned between dimensions: the physical and another world.

In fact, many other people have sensed or experienced the presence of departed loved ones while in a state of sleep paralysis. This happens both because sleep paralysis is fairly common when people are struggling with profound grief, and also because this state of being opens us to awareness of other dimensions.

I believe that sleep paralysis often happens when we are out of the body and suddenly begin to wake up because there is a physical or non-physical being close by. When we're out of the body and a living person approaches the area where we are sleeping, we instantly dive back into the body. We do the same thing when a non-physical being approaches, but since the noise or activity associated with their presence is metaphysical, we tend not to recognize the signals that caused our sudden sense of panic.

When we suddenly dive back into the body, our conscious awareness may return before mobility does, which causes us to experience a feeling of paralysis. We usually also experience fear because it is instinctive and protective: just as we would wake up in a cave if an animal was crouching nearby, we do the same when a non-physical being is near our bodies even if that being is benevolent. (We've all been startled by a loved one who snuck up on us when our minds were focused beyond our immediate surroundings - in fact, most of us have screamed in terror only to laugh at ourselves when we realized there was no threat to our safety.)

As there is nothing to be afraid of here, let's focus on why this may be happening and what you might do about it.

Since your ex was murdered, it's likely that he has not yet crossed over and is lingering near the earth plane. The spirits of murder victims tend to hang around for a while for a couple of reasons. First, they often fail to realize that they've died, especially if they were taken by surprise. When someone dies from old age or a long terminal illness, they have lots of time to ponder death and prepare for transition. When someone dies in a very sudden, unexpected way, they can remain close to the physical dimension, unaware of what happened. One minute they're going along like normal, and the next minute, everything seems sort of dreamlike and no one can hear or see them.

Second, as many murder victims have a desire to see their killers brought to justice, they often go to great lengths to contact the living. They may try to visit loved ones or even sensitive police detectives who are working on the case in order to reveal the identity of their murderers and any evidence that may be helpful.

Third, surviving loved ones of murder victims often have a particularly hard time finding peace, so these spirits will try extra hard to make sure that we are all okay before they move on. They also want us to know that they are okay now, and that it's okay to let them go. So if his killer has been caught and brought to justice, he may simply be trying to make sure that you and his friends and relatives are okay.

Of course, there may be some other message or unfinished business he feels he must address. When people die very suddenly, they are more likely to have unfinished business that they want to see tied up before they feel free to move on in the afterlife. This may be connected to you, or it may be related to something or someone else. It may be that you are the one receiving these visits simply because you're the one most likely to be able to perceive him and help him do whatever he feels must be done.

He seems to be adept at appearing visually, or perhaps you are simply better at perceiving him visually. In order to fully communicate whatever message he wants to get through, he may keep appearing in an effort to find a way to verbally or telepathically communicate a meaningful message. Now that he has your attention and you're aware that he is trying to communicate, you might visit a medium or try deep meditation to ask what it is he wants you to know or do.

If you longed or prayed for contact with him after he died, these experiences may simply be the answer to your prayers. Many people do have dream encounters with departed loved ones, and sadly, many of them don't remember these dreams. Thus they may pray endlessly for just this sort of experience and believe that their prayers are not being answered when in fact they are.

It's possible that you've been having encounters with him via your dreams for some time since he died, and that he wanted you to know that this was happening. In waking up directly from a dream visit with him, it would be natural for you to be thrown into a state of sleep paralysis, for sleep paralysis occurs when our bodies are deeply asleep while our minds are more awake or aware than usual. If he jolted you awake from a dream state, or your own higher self jolted you awake in response to a conscious or subconscious desire to remember a visit from him, this may have caused the sorts of experiences you describe.

As for what to do about all of this, I recommend you either visit a medium or engage in deep meditation to ask him what he needs you to know, and try to help him based on the messages you receive. Also, talk to him out loud and thank him for checking in on you. Tell him that he has died and that you're okay now, and pray for him to find his way to peace and happiness in the spirit world.

- Julia