Dear Julia:

My husband died in September, 2005, by suicide. I was very different then - very positive and open to psychic communication. Since his death, I've been completely shut down and not open at all. I always felt a sense of higher purpose, and am wondering what the higher purpose behind this experience could possibly be. I used to be able to find the positive in every situation, but not this one. I'm wondering if my gifts will ever come back, and why I've had no communication with him. I was able to communicate with spirits before he died; now I'm unable to communicate at all. I fear I'll never have a light heart again. I've shut out the world, as it just doesn't fit anymore or I just don't fit in it. Our relationship was very beautiful. Even though he suffered from depression, his suicide was a complete shock. Please help.

Chelle

Dear Chelle:

My heart goes out to you. In my own experience, the loss of faith in a higher plan is much harder to endure than the death of a lover, so I can only imagine the pain you must be in as you struggle through this dark night of the soul. While I believe there's a good reason for everything, suicide may be the one exception to that rule. While much depends on the reason for taking one's own life (and I can think of some valid reasons for doing so), when people commit suicide to escape personal emotional pain, they are breaking with the higher plan for that lifetime.

When people commit suicide, it's because they've completely exhausted their inner resources and have been unable to come up with any other answer. I don't want to trivialize life, but when we view it from the eternal perspective of Spirit, life is a bit like a brilliant virtual reality video game that we enter into just for the experience of it. As we overcome all sorts of interesting challenges, we move to higher levels. Sometimes, people get backed into a corner and they can't find their way out. While the other characters in the game can see options, from where they're standing, they seem to be doomed. When they're exhausted from fighting their way to where they are and continuing on seems hopeless, sometimes people give up.

Though those of us still playing the game miss them greatly, people who give up do gain something: they get the chance to start over. Just as would happen in a video game, they have to go back and start from the beginning and work their way forward again, but this time they've been through those levels before so they know a lot more about how to get where they are trying to go. The next time is thus a bit easier for them, and eventually they overcome their challenges and move on to a higher level of experience.

Though it's understandably puzzling and disconcerting to you, it's clear to me why your psychic senses have failed you and why you've not had communication from your departed husband. Your husband committing suicide was a profound shock to all levels of your being. It shattered your faith and attached a huge anchor to your vibration. All the spiritual things you used to be able to perceive are still there; you're just in a different psychic space from them now. As you sank into grief and despair and endlessly questioned how this could happen in a benevolent Universe, you disconnected from the spiritual beauty and magic you used to experience, and built an energetic wall around your aura out of a natural desire to try to protect yourself from further emotional pain.

In addition to this, suicides tend to be very hard if not impossible to contact in the afterlife. They were stuck in inner darkness when they were living, and they tend to remain in a similar state on the other side. They felt hopeless and powerless about everyday life when living, and they tend to have a hard time making things happen in the afterlife too - especially things that require tremendous, passionate effort like inter-dimensional communication.

The point of all of this is that what you are experiencing is normal and doesn't negate the reality of life after death or the possibility of spirit communication.

I'm reminded of the long recovery I struggled with after some major surgery, and how I felt like I would never be the same again. It took my body almost a full year to heal, and for months I feared I'd never feel normal again. You're in the midst of the biggest healing process ever, my friend. It may seem like you'll never feel good again, but you'll heal eventually. It's just going to take some time.

While your desire to connect with your husband first and foremost is natural, striving for it is probably counter-productive at this point. It would be better to focus on reconnecting with the Divine and rebuilding your faith in general, for this will empower you to create all the other experiences you want in your life, and reawaken your psychic gifts.

When I step into your vibration, I feel a big wall of shock and grief around you that won't let anything in. To move toward healing, you might seek help from a spiritual healer or hypnotherapist. By moving past the conscious mind and bringing the soul to the forefront, you can initiate deep healing and reconnect those fragmented parts of your inner being that were shattered into pieces when this happened. It's like your telephone to Spirit has been broken to bits and the line has been cut; it's no wonder you're not hearing anything from the Spirit world. You have to put yourself back together again in order to reclaim those spiritual gifts you used to use with such ease.

With this in mind, I recommend you put connecting with your husband to the side for now, and focus on working through this crisis of faith by reconnecting with the Divine. Seek healing and personal guidance from your guides and angels. Begin in pleasant, simple ways like asking for signs on how to heal and move forward. Focus on raising your vibration and manifesting experiences designed to renew your faith in a higher plan.

You're currently in a common Catch-22: your faith has left you, and so have the sorts of experiences that tend to build faith. As we see what we believe, you must find ways to summon faith-inducing experiences from Spirit in order to build your faith back up so you can experience even more powerful faith-inducing experiences. Since there is so much pain surrounding your husband's death, it would be wise to work toward this by focusing on your personal relationship to Spirit and areas of your life that you can separate from this tragedy. For example, you might ask for signs on where to vacation, what to do about a job dilemma, or how to find new friends. As you receive answers to your prayers, your faith will grow and spread into other areas of your life.

Finally, how we respond to what happens to us determines the quality of our experiences in life. Hopefully, you've learned from this tragedy that it's never a good idea to just give up. The choice before you now is similar to the choice your husband faced when he took his own life: If you give up on faith and ever feeling good again, you succumb to despair as he did. Don't give up!

The first step is to sincerely pray to be led to peace and healing. This will launch you on a magical journey wherein signs, impulses, messages and synchroniticies will guide you in putting the pieces of your heart and soul back together. Soon, everywhere you look you will see the Divine at work in your life. Then one day, you will realize that your heart feels light again, and that is when your psychic gifts will return.

- Julia

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