Dear Julia: When it comes to the sexual and physical abuse of helpless children, do you still feel that we have "chosen" these experiences? I have grappled with this a great deal, and have come to feel that helpless, dependent children NEVER choose to be violated. Do you agree? I was emotionally, verbally and then sexually abused as a teenager by an older step-brother, and it has left wounds that I do not believe have enhanced my life. I understand that we might have had some karma to work out, but I have had many difficulties with men as an adult due to these experiences and the lack of support I received from my family. They still deny it happened and refuse to ever discuss it. The work I do centers on forgiveness since no one is willing or able to face it, and several of the "players" have already crossed over or will soon. I'd appreciate any comments you have on this troubling issue. Many thanks for your wonderful column!
- Melinda Rose

Dear Melinda Rose:

Thanks for this great question. I don't have a definite answer for you - I doubt that anyone does - but I will offer you my own perspective on the subject. Regardless of whether or not we "choose" to be abused before we incarnate, challenging experiences like this are not wholly bad or even regrettable. In fact, they are powerful catalysts to personal and spiritual growth.

As I've mentioned here before, I was stalked and raped as a teenager. As strange as this may sound, if I could rewrite my personal history, I would not delete that experience, for it led me to huge lessons and awakened me to my own personal power. Until that time, I was happy and carefree, but I was also pretty shallow emotionally and spiritually. As a result of this experience, I became a new person - one who was very thoughtful about "women's issues" and far deeper spiritually. (It's one thing to read and write about spiritual matters like forgiveness, and quite another to actually be given an opportunity to walk our talk. We don't truly "know" anything about forgiveness until we've managed to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.)

As I struggled to get past my intense emotions of fear and rage, I often asked myself how this man could have done what he did to me, and WHY. This led me to realize that compared to myself, he was really "lost" inside. I then wondered what had happened to him to twist his soul into such an ugly shape.

I came up with two possible explanations for his behavior, which I feel can be applied to all "perpetrators." Perhaps he had been horribly mistreated himself in ways far worse than what he'd done to me, for I certainly wasn't so destroyed that I would even consider acting like him. On the other hand, it's possible that we all start out pretty ugly, and only grow more beautiful on the inside as we gain wisdom via lifetimes of experience. In terms of human spiritual evolution, he was just closer to being an animal than an angel, so to speak.

We wouldn't demonize a dog for being physically aggressive with another dog; we consider this sort of behavior to be normal and natural for dogs. Further, animals don't have any strong mores about "rape" or incest or any of the sexual acts we consider to be taboo or criminal. They don't feel guilt for killing other animals or even attacking humans; they act unconsciously in their own best interests.

I am not condoning sexual abuse by any means. I'm just suggesting that we try to understand abusers - sexual or otherwise - as spiritually primitive. They have yet to develop the compassion that fuels kindness, and thus like animals, they just take what they want in life without regard to others' feelings.

You mentioned that you understand that you and your abuser may have had karma to work out. How do you think you learned that abusing others like this was wrong? Odds are good that you are an older soul and have a lot of past lives under your belt. How do you know that you haven't done the same or worse? Perhaps back before you developed your current level of wisdom, compassion and understanding, you doled out your own far share of abuse. I'm not saying we should blame ourselves for our painful experiences in life, but rather that we should be grateful to God that we have already learned the lessons darker souls are learning.

Until we have personally experienced something, we don't truly know how it feels. We grow from perpetrators into people who wouldn't think of harming others by being victims ourselves; that is how we learn compassion. The journey from being a selfish, insensitive brute to a kind, compassionate spirit is largely fueled by suffering. It's the sense we make of our anguish that determines its value to us. If we fail to reap from it all its gifts and lessons, then our suffering is really going to waste!

Sadly, it takes some people a long time to get past their emotional reactions to discover the gifts in their most trying experiences. The only way to truly fail is to give up: to grow cynical and disillusioned and allow our hearts to harden. I often recommend a book entitled Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, because he redefined our potential for forgiveness. While still incarcerated in a concentration camp, he was somehow able to find compassion for the heartless Nazi captors torturing him and murdering the innocent people he loved.

What Frankl teaches us and what I've learned via my own experiences is that we can't take the things that "crazy" people do personally. Whether those who hurt us are emotionally incompetent due to a mental disorder, because they're addicted to mind altering substances, or are possessed by the devil doesn't matter. We can't take it personally if our loved ones can't really hear us and support us when we are suffering either. Instead, when we see people hurt and fail each other, we must ask ourselves what sort of mad pain or dark ignorance must be driving that behavior, and try to stretch our hearts in compassion.

I know this can be very hard. It's one of our greatest challenges in life, so forgive YOURSELF if you're having a hard time with it. As long as you are trying, there is no rush - you have all eternity. Do remember, however, that the longer you hold onto your pain and outrage, the longer you will suffer. By indignantly shouting for justice, you are not defending your happiness, but rather your right to be UNHAPPY.

Forgiveness leads to freedom because it allows us to let go of the past and move on to something better. To heal, we don't need others to acknowledge they were wrong or to suffer shame or guilt for what they've done; needing that just gives them the power to continue to determine how we'll feel. Whether abusers apologize or family members rally around us, we can choose to love ourselves the way we long to be loved by others, and let go of old pain to make way for new happiness.

I don't know if we choose childhood abuse. I do know that we don't incarnate here on Earth because we expect one big happy party, but because life is a very rich experience. It's full of challenges and contrast, of wild uncharted territory and endless creative potential. That's what we sign on for; that's what makes life so full of meaning and power. If we happen to manifest really difficult spiritual experiences, you might say we're getting our money's worth! We can make sure our suffering yields new wisdom by continuing to stretch toward forgiveness and understanding, just as you are doing.

I applaud your strength and spirit, and know that your heart is growing in its ability to make peace with life's inevitable wounds, sorrows and disappointments. I pray you find healing through forgiveness, for you have suffered long enough, my friend.

- Julia