Dear Julia:

Before I enter a new love relationship, I am consciously creating and sometimes even writing down some of the characteristics of the person I would like to be with. I always find what I am looking for - it somehow comes to me. After being in the relationship for a while, however, I get the feeling that he is not what I need, and the relationship becomes dysfunctional and we break up. Then I do the same preparation and visualize another man and a new relationship. It feels like a pattern because I get what I want again - with the same outcome (the relationship ends). All the other areas of my life are functioning well. I am attracting what I want by being positive and uplifting, and I successfully enjoy all that comes to me. I would like to know how or why the feelings I have in the beginning change. Is it because in the beginning I am focused on what I want and later on what I don't want? What's happening here?
- Kelly

Dear Kelly:

I sure did see myself in your question! I have done the same thing, walked the same path, and know just what you're up to over there. This is basically what happens when we set our hearts and minds on manifesting "romance." It is often how we fill the time just prior to when a destined love is due to arrive. It's usually a sign that we're getting close, for the knowledge and ability that empower us to manifest in this manner indicate a high vibration: one that is approaching the high vibration of big love!

Let me back up a bit and explain. Many years ago my first marriage was dying a slow, painful death, but my spiritual life was soaring. I had awakened psychically and been guided to all kinds of spiritual knowledge and understanding, such as the ability to use my own creative power to manifest what I wanted in my life. As I began to apply that knowledge and power, my marriage fell away, and I began to do just what you've been doing: write lists and stories detailing what I wanted. It's how I ended up with this great job at Kajama. Like many young, single women, I used it most often to manifest new romance.

First I made a list designed to manifest a lover who was many of the things I had been missing in my marriage: someone intense, spiritual, deep, passionate, exciting and interesting. Aaron was all those things but more: he was also self-centered, serious, dark, lost, confused, and on the verge of moving out of state. So I revised my list to manifest someone also kind, tender, thoughtful and funny. Jonathan was the answer to that prayer. He was so tender I wept every time we made love. He also smoked marijuana and cigarettes incessantly and was profoundly irresponsible. Then I manifested Ray who was big and buff, sweet, funny, responsible and stable, but as one friend put it, "dumber than a box of rocks" and basically boring. From Ray I went to Mike, who was great in many ways, but also a pathological liar. The next guy, Brad, was smart, charming, devoted, honest, adoring and tons of fun. We spent our weekends jet skiing and motorcycling and having all kinds of adventures. I had a great time with Brad - but something was missing.

Now, a pessimist might look at all of this and say, "None of those relationships worked out! Love stinks!" As I see it, however, they all worked beautifully, for through each one of them I got a bit clearer about what I really wanted in love. Every time I reapproached the task of manifesting, I had new ideas. It had never occurred to me to specify someone healthy until I met Jonathan, or to put down honest before I met Mike. Beneath and behind it all, however, I had this general inner knowing of how it would FEEL to be with the one who was a perfect fit for me. I couldn't conceptualize it in words, but nonetheless I had faith in him - whoever and wherever he was. I may not have met him yet (in this lifetime), but I knew that all my searching, defining and redefining was an attempt to zone in on a certain person - not a set of characteristics.

Now, in the midst of all of this dating, I met my current husband at the gym, and I knew he was "the one." I didn't know a thing about him really, except that he was handsome and made my knees weak, but there was no denying it. The only thing stopping us was that HE didn't know we were destined to be together. (You can bet I walked right up and told him, but he just gave me a funny look and walked off to do another set of bicep curls). While I was at first frustrated at my inability to get through to him how momentous our meeting was, I prayed and meditated on it, and it came to me very clearly that if my feeling was right - if indeed we were destined to be together - then it would happen of its own accord. I then surrendered my efforts to wake him up, kept my heart open, expected the best, and went on about having fun with all those sweet guys I was manifesting.

When my husband did at last wake up and ask me why I'd kept dating all the "wrong guys" if I knew in my heart he was the right one, I replied that I figured it would be silly to pine away at home, waiting. In fact, it would have been metaphysically foolish to do so - for that would not have kept my energy aligned with love, joy and happiness. So in relaxing, surrendering and having fun with love, I stayed aligned with what I really wanted, even though it wasn't in my experience yet.

I had just started dating a new guy - the ultimate guy, if you looked at him on paper. He was handsome, charming, adoring, educated, successful, sophisticated, passionate, sexy, devoted, healthy - he was even a Spiritualist! When my now husband suddenly woke up (and this happened in an instant, without warning) I was not torn - I had no doubt that he was the one for me. I have never looked at another man since, either. It's called "true love," because it doesn't crumble with time like all those other experimental relationships - it just grows deeper and more precious.

So the point of all of this is that we CAN manifest romance, just as you describe. We can even manufacture sexual chemistry. I have done it! I had great chemistry with everyone I dated, because I myself was in harmony with passion. All of that can be great fun, but it lacks a certain depth and meaning and trueness, because manifesting romance is not the same as manifesting a soul mate. I doubt that a soul mate can be manifested the same way - that's more a matter of destiny. All we can do is believe in that love and keep it alive in our hearts and expect it to be ours and then wait. In the mean time, we should have fun with romance, as you have been doing. We are wise to stay in harmony with love, joy and passion.

Remember that destined love will come whether we conjure it or not, for those things that are destined have already been aligned. The rest we can dream up, alter, influence and change - especially if we stay light about it. Give thanks for all you manifest that is fulfilling, and all you manifest that leaves you dissatisfied (which leads you to new clarity about who you are and what is most important to you). It's all good! Keep playing with romance and stoking your faith in big love, for that will keep your heart open and wonderful experiences flowing your way. Then out of the blue as you're sailing happily along one day, a love that is undeniable will sweep in, and you'll know without a doubt that this path is the one for you.

- Julia

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