Dear Julia:

Thank you for your very insightful articles. I'm having immense difficulty in my family with my stepdaughter (DOB l0/28/85). I've prayed and meditated and put so much time, effort and energy into trying to direct her to the right path, but nothing is happening, except it's draining me and others in my family. I have two daughters of my own. She lives with us because she doesn't get along with her mother, and her father is very weak in disciplining her. If you could send me anything that might help me and my daughters, I would be forever indebted to you. This has been going on since we married almost nine years ago. I want her to go back and live with her mother, because she is affecting our entire household in a very negative way. She blames everyone else for everything, and doesn't hold herself accountable for anything. Her friends are of a questionable character - I don't want them in our home. I'm grateful for any help.

- Loretta

Dear Loretta:

I felt compelled to answer your question, for I have too much experience dealing with problems with stepkids, and I know how spiritually challenging these relationships can be. I must warn you, however, that I am far from having all the answers.

Dealing with our own teenagers is hard enough, but dealing with stepteens is even harder, for we have to go through their parents, which makes everything immeasurably more complicated and difficult. Unfortunately, such situations tend to breed "problem" kids, for teens will push the limits as much as possible, and where there are holes they can slip through or around, they'll take advantage of them.

Supposedly something magical happens when kids turn 18, and suddenly, they don't need limits anymore. The years leading up to this can be an incredibly challenging balancing act, where kids take more power and freedom, but they also have to begin to hold up their end of the relationship more. Some kids are relatively easy; others push their parents to the edges of their sanity and beyond.

It sounds to me like you're trying to remain firm; your husband is inclined to do little or nothing; your stepdaughter is determined to push the limits. You have a dramatic triangle here - the question is, who will prevail? I hope you immediately said, "One way or another, I will do what I have to do to make my family life harmonious and happy!" In these circumstances, whoever is most tapped in to their own personal power will prevail. You want positive change in this situation, and because you're "only" the stepmom, your authority is limited, so you need your husband in order to get it. You and your husband have to work together as a team.

First, you must establish some reasonable expectations of your husband in terms of the support and cooperation you need from him. Then together, both of you must establish some reasonable limits with the stepdaughter (that apply to everyone, not just her). If you and your husband don't decide with passionate determination how things will be at your house, one of the kids will be happy to do it for you.

Here's the good news: your stepdaughter is almost the exact same age as my stepson. This means she's coming up fast on 18, and you, my dear, have all kinds of options now. The advice I'm going to give you is what we did with my stepson, who was way out of control in terms of drug and alcohol abuse and one nasty attitude. While the results are still not in, I feel we (his mother, my husband and I) hit upon something here that could help you.

Assuming you have your husband on board, if grades are a problem, tell her that she doesn't have to finish high school - she can get her GED. Tell her she doesn't have to follow your rules - she can hang out with whomever she wants, have sex with whomever she desires, and drink and do drugs every night, if that's what she's into. Tell her she can do whatever she wants, for in truth, you can't prevent her from doing any of those things. She just can't do it under your roof. Hand her the Sunday classifieds, and tell her good luck finding a job and an apartment, that you'll be praying for her. (Depending on the laws in your state, you may have to hang in there a few more months until she is actually 18 to take this course of action, but you can lay your plans on her now).

If she decides she does want to live in your house, she has to follow the rules. Set up the "deal breakers." If she breaks these rules, she's out and free to start really growing up. If mom wants to take her in, wish them the best of luck. If she thinks she should be able to do whatever she likes regardless of who gets hurt (and being perpetually stressed is hurtful!) then she'll have to do it in her own space, on her own dime. She's not a baby anymore - she's almost that magical 18, and this relationship is now fully a two-way street.

Despite my spiritual vocation, I'm a firm parent. I think it takes a lot of love and wisdom to be firm. I'm sure you and your husband can see that being lenient on this girl has done her no good - it's just created a kid who is not growing up and becoming responsible, who is incapable of truly respectful relationships with the people who love her and do the most for her. I have high expectations of my own kids, and they are respectful, well-behaved and full of integrity. It sounds like you are similarly firm, but since this is not your child, it's not working, because her parents aren't backing you up.

If you can't get your husband's cooperation and support, then you may have to honestly face perhaps a bigger issue - the foundation of your marriage. If you can't rely on it to create the kind of life you and your daughters need in order to be happy, you may need to make some hard decisions. I adore my husband, but if I felt he was letting one kid take the whole family down with the ship, and he refused to work with me in creating positive change, I'd love myself and my own kids right on out of the house.

One way to get his support is to ask him what he would do if YOU were behaving like his daughter. When we drew the line with my stepson, he complained that his father was choosing me, his new wife, over him. We then made it very clear that if I behaved the way he had, and if I was making life hell for everyone in the family, I would be the one being told I either had to get with it or get out. There's unconditional love, and then there is relationship folly. If limits really are fair and reasonable, then only the members of the family who are being unreasonable should have a problem with them. Your job is not just to love this girl, but also to love and nurture each other and the kids who are doing a good job in your household. Someone has to stand up for the rest of the family and raise the bar in terms of how you want to live, and it appears that person is you, Loretta.

If you and your husband truly believe you're doing the right thing in setting clear limits, it should be easy for you to prevail, for then you'll have not only love, but also wisdom on your side. Make a strong, clear decision for yourself about how YOU want to live and what you will and will not accept from people, and one way or another, you'll get it!

It's so easy to get caught up in the daily dramas that teens are geniuses at generating, and to put our own lives and dreams endlessly on the backburner. Take care of yourself, and remember that you're not the only thing between your teens and total self-destruction. They have angels watching over them. If she ends up on her own, try to relax. Visualize her safe, happy and healthy, and trust that she WILL learn, just as we did when we were young and foolish too!

- Julia